


Everyone Comes to Quarks

by sunbug1138



Category: Red Dwarf, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Wars Original Trilogy, The Wizard Of Oz (1939)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-30 03:30:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17216180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunbug1138/pseuds/sunbug1138
Summary: This is total crack - a melting pot of the kind of nonsense my mother and I would come up with c. 2000 - with no plot to speak of. There are about eight parts in all which I haven't read in about 18 years. With the advent of the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, more Trek not to mention the MCU it is long overdue some additions; I'm sure the river and the wormhole will provide...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is total crack - a melting pot of the kind of nonsense my mother and I would come up with c. 2000 - with no plot to speak of. There are about eight parts in all which I haven't read in about 18 years. With the advent of the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, more Trek not to mention the MCU it is long overdue some additions; I'm sure the river and the wormhole will provide...

Ace Rimmer meets a Little Girl from Kansas in a bar somewhere over the Bar Nebula run by an American ex-pat (who used to run guns for the Bajorans, the Rebel Alliance, the Maquis and the Boss). She is trying to win the money for customs clearance at the dabo table. After Ace gallantly finds her basket (still containing three chicken legs, two clean pocket handkerchiefs, an Atcheson, Topeka and Santa Fe time table and a half drunk bottle of chocolate pop), the letters of transit (hidden in the concert kazoo) and her little dog Toto 2 (Toto 1 ended up as a pair of gloves and matching ear muffs and three pounds of sausage in a bun during a particularly distressing side-trip to the DiscWorld). 

 

She lends him her ruby slippers to get back to our boys. She, however, has to come with him because otherwise she can't transport herself anywhere - let alone back to a miserable little dirt farm in Kansas. (which has meanwhile become the site of the biggest shopping mall west of the Mississippi and east of the Rockies with Nieman Marcus as anchor. She is in sub-light correspondence with her lawyers, so don't worry about the kid). 

 

They return to Red Dwarf where Lister immediately curries the chicken legs, and Cat is chased up the computer console by Toto 2. Little Girl recognises Kryton as her long lost tin man. There is a tearful and affecting reunion. Cat, by the way, cannot keep his eyes off those ruby slippers. Just when the Little Girl is about to click her way to her attorney's office in the late twentieth century, a swarm of flying monkeys appear off the starboard bow. 

 

They are actually on their way to a kiddies party (the Solo Twins' sixth birthday) in Quark's bar, but what the hell, they attempt to carry off the girl from Kansas for old time's sake. Ace, of course, saves her with a little help from Cat dressed up in a flying monkey suit (Lister had volunteered but Kryton hadn't time to let the jacket out). Ace then decides he will go off with the Little Girl since the hero always helps the girl save the farm - or at least maintain a controlling interest in the consortium. 

 

Lister, meanwhile, being that sort of guy, races with Cat and Kryton in the Space Bug to get the flying monkeys through the wormhole in time for the party, but they arrive, alas, too late. The Solo Twins' party was, however, a rousing success after all. Garak turned out to be a first rate amateur magician, and Odo improvised a pony ride. Molly O'Brien won a 'BORG QUEEN BARBIE' for naming the most Bajoran fungi.

 

Dr. Bashir had to pump out only three little tummies and treat Odo for saddle sores. The saddle sores probably explain why Han Solo is in the brig of Deep Space 9 for allegedly having an open bottle of Romulan ale in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon and for indulging in musical pornography (he, O'Brien and Bashir were found sitting behind the bar singing the hedgehog song in the unexpurgated Ogg edition by Mrs. O'Brien and Mrs. Organa-Solo (bad enough in itself) and Major Kira (where the real trouble started). The flying monkeys, meanwhile, save the day for a group of Bajoran farmers who are having trouble getting in the cherry harvest. Sisko turns out to make a mean Mutton vindaloo. Cat may or may not stay on the station and become Garak's partner at the tailor shop. 

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

When last we left DS9, Odo was suffering from saddle sores, O'Brien, Bashir and Solo were in custody for singing thirty-seven verses of the Hedgehog song, Cat was introducing something at least he and Quark think is STYLE to the promenade (Cat just loves fitting those dabo girls) and Kai Win and a team of lightheavy weight theologians were trying to find some reference to cherry-picking flying monkeys in the celestial prophecies.

Quark meanwhile is saturating all subspace frequencies with his children's party promos - he plans to make DS9 the DisneyLand of the 24th century.

_'Come to Quark's! Quark's is Fun! Fun Fun Fun for Everyone!'_   
_'Let Dad play Dabo while the Little Ones Enjoy themselves'_   
_'All our Dabo Girls are Trained Childcare Specialists'_

O'Brien and Solo have been released into the not so protective custody of their wives who are only speaking to them very slowly and distinctly. Bashir has been released into the custody of a holodeck. M. O'Brien, Bashir and Solo are up on 32 counts of aural indecency (it took five verses for for Major Kira to figure out what they were singing about - she thought it was an animal song for the kiddies at first) and 37 counts of aural cruelty.

Solo is also facing one count of having an open bottle of Romulan ale in the cockpit of the Millenium Falcon* (which is listed as an act of interstellar terrorism according to at least six separate treaties. Han is going to plead that he only uses it as anti-freeze (and it is very cold in space). All three of them are going to throw themselves on the mercy of the court alleging that they were led astray by bad company - ie. each other, according to their significant others, Quark, according to them.

  
Since it is three weeks until their case comes up they decide to spend it stripping down the Defiant* so Solo and Worf can drag race - 'A Warrior’s Pursuit'. Meanwhile Lister has gone all soft and squishy over the kids and decides to settle down on the station and open a traditional Scouse Vindaloo restaurant on the promenade (with Kryton as dishwasher, waiter, bouncer and floor show) and find a nice girl. He gets off playing his guitar with just a warning since Odo's saddle sores have healed and Major Kira can't follow Scouse at all. He takes the space bug down to Bajor (where he is immediately identified as Scowers, the promised deliveryman of the prophets) to organise a steady supply of mutton and chicken substitutes. Chewbacca arrives, having hitched a lift with Dahar Master Kor. Cat takes one look at him - nearly swallows a mouth full of pins and locks himself in a wardrobe, refusing to come out even when Garak sprinkles sequins on the floor.


	3. Chapter 3

The stripping and souping up of the Defiant proceed apace with Kor and Worf constantly bickering over who will get to drive the Defiant. The Solo Twins, meanwhile, practically live at the O'Briens, where Lia and Kako (who are now speaking even more slowly and distictively to their respective spouses) have scrubbed everything in sight and are now painting the walls.

Dax starts wearing jeans, a ponytail and a smudge of oil on her nose. Midway through the second week, Lia and Kieko hire Kryton to look after the children and go off to do some serious shopping on Ferengonar - they are relying on Liea's Jedi mind tricks to get them an off the top fifty percent discount on all fashion and home accesories. Sisko has to ground 'the old man' when he finds her smoking in a dark corner of the cargo bay.

During his return trip from Bajor Lister's guitar playing is picked up by seventeen separate star systems - three ask the Federation for a formal apology, two retreat into isolationism and on the other twelve Lister reaches the top of the hit parade - 'Betazoid Girls won't you come out tonight' sells so well there is a holodeck tie-in. Meanwhile on Bajor a small white frame house misses Kai Win by inches. The house is found to be an interstellar vehicle piloted by Ace Rimmer and the Little Girl, who now owns the controlling interest of the solar system because of compound interest and is about to launch a hostile take over bid for the Dominion, whose profits are clearly not living up to market expectations. Toto II bites Kai Winn. Meanwhile, Quark has another birthday party booked - a nice older couple who have one little boy - and could Quark arrange a red setter puppy for a present?

Next time - Captain Batesman of the Bozman retires to become a subspace radio shrink. Kryton takes up knitting and darning and decides that Molly and the Twins (who were missing C3P0) need him more than Lister (which means he has to find that girl fast or wash his own shorts) - and Garak creates an international incident when in an attempt to get Cat out of the closet asks Solo if he has a license for that big dog of his.


End file.
